the many loves of zachary morris

Zack dated every girl that entered Bayside High, The Max, The Mall, etc. My favorite episodes were the ones that involved a girl with some sort of special feature or handicap. More on that later. Here are the "loves" that I can remember. I make it a point not to look up things, so sadly, all of this SBTB info is acquired knowledge that is taking up space in my brain while I cant remember advertising rates for work or passwords.

1. Stevie
This was during the "Good Morning Miss Bliss" days. He had a mad crush on the superstar singer who used to go to Bayside. I dont know if this counts as a girlfriend, but I really liked these episodes for the song "Hotline To Your Heart" (I need direct connection)

2. Kelly Kapowski
Zack's true love and future wife. She dumped him during the costume prom while Jessie and Slater were singing "How am I supposed to live without you?" for hot Max Manager, Jeff. (aka the original Austin from Days of our Lives)

3.Jessie Spano
Zack and Jessie hooked up during Bayside's production of "Snow White and the Seven Dorks". It was lame and short lived. And kind of weird.

4. Lisa Turtle
Zack broke Screech's heart and kissed Lisa during her fashion show (The Tori Years). Awkward, but it had to be done to complete the circle of hooking up with each "main girl" from the group.

5. Tori
Zack fell for tomboy Tori in the midst of a bet with Slater on who could kiss her first. This is the only episode of the Tori years that I really like. I think its because there is a costume ball and Screech dresses as Gumby.

5. Stacy Carosi
By far my favorite girlfriend of Zack's outside of the main girls...mainly because the episodes at Malibu Sands were my favorite.

Random girls that I might not know the names of:

-Kristy the wrestler. Zack liked Kristy until she defended him in front of a bunch of guys at The Max. Way to hurt the ego. Kristy was the worst.
-JB Slater. The Slaters had a thing for initials. Albert Clifford became AC and then his little sister (who looked like she was 3o) was JB. I dont know what her initials stand for though.
-Homeless girl. I think Zack met her at Mr. Mooneys Shop for Men. She was a coworker of Kelly's. Her father passed out and then they moved in with the Morris'.
-Girl in wheelchair. Result of the Teen Help line (The Tori Years). Organized an inappropriate wheelchair basketball game.
-Overweight girl. I vaguely remember Zack dating a girl that was overweight. This was a very big deal apparently.
-Nurse. They didnt date, but he liked her a lot. I think her name was Jennifer. She pretended to seduce him. Looking back, this was wildly inappropriate behavior for a woman in her late 20's with a 15 year old...in the school nurse's office!
-Chick from Hawaii with a kid. Rena Sofer. She is my least favorite actress in the world. I have nothing else to say.
-College girl from USC. She walked into the Max and Zack offered to help her fix her car by offering his 40 lb cell phone. Amazing. This eventually leads to Kelly finding out that Jeff is cheating on her at The Attic. Screech makes fake IDs. Great episode.

Besides the main girls, the gf's didnt last for more than one episode. Use 'em and lose 'em. Zack Morris was a manslut.

You're cinematic razor sharp...A welcome arrow through the heart

Thanks to Steph for the inspirational quote below. Damn all of the rotten boys who are too cute and flirtatious for their own good. Damn you straight to hell.

"leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here"

so fresh and so clean

This post may be a little gross. If you'd prefer to read a less gross post, I did my Oscar picks below.

I'm not sure how many people that read this blog watch Style Network. I pretty much watch Style all day on Saturdays. Even if I'm not paying attention-its on in the background. There are numerous mindless shows including: Split Ends, Clean House, Dr. 90210, Extreme Makeover, etc.

What I dont care for...are the commercials. If I hear one more commercial for feminine cleansing/douching or KY jelly, I'm going to lose it. The commercials are gross and creepy. Each of these commercials has one hideous aspect to them.

Cleansing commercial:
-The V/O says "use it here, here, etc and after being intimate" EWWW!

KY commercial:
-They show a split screen of "normal" KY that is slimey and the new KY that is a "mousse". EWWWW!

Seriously, worst commercials ever. Granted, I am a woman and I'm watching Style network so I guess they are reaching their "target market", but I have to say, I'm horrified by the commercials. They are on all the time. Hey Comcast! I'm a woman and I'd like to see commercials that werent just focused on douching and KY jelly.

I'd be happy if I never saw or heard another thing about douching or KY jelly.

On the flipside, I find that calling people douchebags is quite humorous.

There is nothing good to say about KY jelly. *shiver* EWWW!

oscar the grouch

My Oscar picks. Based on nothing but unreasonable reasons. I've only seen two of the nominated best pictures this year. Whoops.

BEST PICTURE:
Who do I want to win: Juno
Who do I think will win: No Country for Old Men

BEST DIRECTOR:
Who do I want to win? Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Who do I think will win? Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

BEST ACTOR:
Who do I want to win? Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Who do I think will win? Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Who do I want to win? Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Who do I think will win? Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men

BEST ACTRESS:
Who do I want to win? Ellen Page, Juno
Who do I think will win? Marion Cottillard, La Vie En Rose

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Who do I want to win? Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Who do I think will win? Fucking Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Who do I want to win? Atonement, Christopher Hampton
Who do I think will win? Atonement, Christopher Hampton

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Who do I want to win? Diablo Cody, Juno
Who do I think will win? Diablo Cody, Juno

!

I love music. Whether you are feeling gloomy, happy, depressed, sad or normal--there is a song somewhere that fits your mood. I go through cycles of my musical tastes. I traditionally am a sucker for pop music, poppy punk music, 80's, etc.

Lately...I've been on an "alternative" kick. So, that means on Sirius, I'm listening to ALTERNATIVE NATION 21...roar! It's pretty good. I hear a lot of "mainstream" rock: Foo Fighters, Spoon, Muse, etc. I also hear of a little band called Against Me! Not to be confused with Rise Against. Although ALT NATION plays them both. I am a fan of Against Me!'s latest single "Thrash Unreal" and I really enjoy the exclamation point in their name. I think that's what sets them apart from Rise Against, because honestly--sorry musically inclined friends--I don't know the difference between them.

Exclamation points make the band. Also, don't go changing your name. Especially if it involves an exclamation point!

Did you know that Panic! at the Disco changed their name to Panic at the Disco? Slight difference---the exclamation point! That's what made them great! Now its boring. To spite them, after downloading their new single, I added an exclamation point to their name. First of all, it was better and second of all, I wont let them dictate how my songs are played in my I pod. I don't want half of their songs under one name and the other half under the less cool version of their name.

Next. A New Found Glory. They are pretty much my favorite band ever but after album 1 they decided to rid themselves of the "A". I prefer the A. All of their albums are listed under my I pod as "A New Found Glory".

Another band that I don't really care too much about is AFI. Their name has always been shortened to AFI but they changed the meaning of what AFI meant twice (thanks nick). First it was Asking For It and now its A Fire Inside. I read a website that said it was used to be A Fire Inside Your Heart. Come on! Make up your mind. Or at least use an exclamation point--AFI! looks cool.

So that's that. I like exclamation points and fun things that make bands stand out. I'll end with this quote from Seinfeld (the greatest show ever)...its long but worth it. And I'm sad that I didnt search for this...I knew this quote existed because it had a profound effect on me and my love for exclamation points. Enjoy.

Elaine: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?

Jake: What are you talking about?

Elaine: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.

Jake: So?

Elaine: So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.

Jake: What's so curious about it?

Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

Jake: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

---------------------------------------------------

5A. Jerry and Elaine

Jerry: You're out of your mind you know that.

Elaine: What?

Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.

Elaine: Well, I felt a call for one.

Jerry: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.

Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

Go Class of 1993 and 1994 and 2003!

A few people to thank for this blog before I get started:
-Alayna. Thank you for starting a blog that I actually remember to read.
-Nicholas. Thanks for encouraging my unhealthy obsession with Saved By The Bell and Pee Wee.
-TBS. You are a genius network that gives me four episodes of SBTB every morning.

Speaking of which...

I usually only get to watch two episodes of SBTB every morning before work. People often ask me why I get up so early. I make up excuses that I'm slow and that I like to make my lunch, coffee, etc in the morning, but the real reason is...I watch SBTB. Granted, I have seen all of these episodes about 12 million times* but they are still funny and still create a fury inside of me like no other.
*actual calculated number

Today I watched the Graduation episode. The thing that drives me crazy about this episode is the fact that when "the gang" is called up to receive their diplomas, they are completely out of alphabetical order. Come on. Zack graduated last. Did you know that Morris comes after Kapowski, Powers, Slater, Spano and Turtle? See? SBTB was educational!

"The Gang" was Class of 1993. Do you remember that they came back the following year without Jessie and Kelly and the addition of Tori? Now they are the Class of 1994. I think. Honestly, I'm too lazy to really track it down and figure it out and if I did, I'd be really sad for myself (ok and proud too. but mostly sad. maybe).

This brings me into the second episode I saw this morning...

"Time Capsule". A basic summary is that a "new class" (not to be confused with SBTB: The New Class") brings in a time capsule to Mr. Belding. It is from the Class of 1993. This helps with the theory I've heard from friends that the 1994 class was all a dream. Anyway, it's ten years in the future and 1993 has left...a VIDEOTAPE for the class of 2003. Pretty high-tech. So, Mr. B pops in the video and its the 1993 bunch. Yay. The great thing about SBTB is how politically correct it is. Sort of. To be completely blunt, there are very specific types of people on the show.

1. Nerd (Screech)
2. Hot Girl (Kelly)
3. Minority Jock (Slater)
4. Cool/Hot Guy (Zack)
5. Smart Girl (Jessie)
6. Minority Girl (Lisa)

I mean, its always been obvious, but even more so in "Time Capsule". The brilliant writers of SBTB couldnt think of any other stereotypes to include in a new 30 minute episode, so they created the exact same stereotypes. Viewing the video included: Mr. B with a 'stache, an African-American girl, a smart girl, a minority jock, a nerd and a hot guy with blonde hair. They even went as far as to have the smart girl call the minority jock "a pig". Anyone who knows SBTB knows that "pig" is reserved for Jessie to Slater. Only.

Wow. I think I just had a Zack Attack.