For as long as I can remember, holiday dinners have featured my Grandmothers stuffing. I remember loving the stuff (ha) when I was younger, but as I got older and understood things such as heart failure, cholesterol and trans fat...I realized that it was probably the worst thing you could possibly eat...ever.
Over the past few years my Mom and I have tried to persuade Grandma to not make the stuffing.
-"Grandma/Ma, you don't need to do all that work, we don't need stuffing"
-"I don't need a whole pan for myself, its too much, but thank you"
-"Just make a little this year!"
Obviously this never works. My Grandmother, God Bless Her, is a food pusher. She probably eats one bite of food during every meal and never sits down to eat, but she'll make sure that you're eating. It can't be avoided. I love her, so I let it slide. Occasionally I will yell out "food pusher!" and immediately regret it, but she just laughs and asks if I want to take some meatballs home. *sigh*
Anyway, back to the stuffing. For approximately 24 years I had no idea how my grandmother made the stuffing. No one ever watches or is allowed to help. I know there is chopping involved because we bought her a chopper one year specifically for making stuffing. There is celery in it. I know that. I've seen that before. Two years ago I couldn't take the stuffing anymore. It was making me violently ill every year. Not because Grandma was trying to kill me, but because my eating style had changed (much healthier) and the stuffing really wasn't on my list of daily nutritional requirements. I'm not sure how we found out...but Mom and I delved into the stuffing recipe a little closer and discovered that Grandma uses 12 eggs in the stuffing. 12. TWELVE eggs. Here's the thing, its not even that much stuffing so the fact that she uses 12 eggs is absurd. Ever since I''ve discovered this fact, I've avoiding the stuffing like the plague.
Without fail, Grandma always made a whole extra pan of stuffing just for me. In recent years, I've been able to leave it at my Mom's house and not have to eat it, but this year was a different ballgame. I decided not to have one bite of it. I basically faked eating the egg-filled stuffing to make Grandma feel good. Sure it's a lie, but its a nice lie so its okay. Right?
Anyway, this year was no different. We went over Grandma's and the stuffing was in the pan. I could smell it, I ran from it. My Mom and I were in the living room and here comes Grandma with a bowl of it for my mom. It was lunchtime so it was meant to be a small snack for Mom. My Mom's eyes widened out of fear, she had no way out. She ate the stuffing. Grandma came in and said "you didn't save any for Kara!". My Mom said "oh, it was soo good I had to eat it all".
Mom took one for the team.
I went into the kitchen and low and behold there was a pan with my name on it. I knew what it was. It was the pan of stuffing. I stared and walked away. I like to pretend that if I ignore things, they'll go away. Didn't happen. Sort of...
For some reason my grandma put the perfectly rounded pan on top of a basket of chestnuts. Yes we have roasted chestnuts in the house. After dinner my Pop Pop went over to eat some chestnuts (Note, he doesn't eat, he loves snacks and is as thin as a rail, so he can afford to snack AFTER he eats as well)...and he couldn't figure out what was going on with the chestnuts, and we realized that he was poking at the stuffing and putting holes in it. Much giggling ensues and I get up to help him. We pick up the pan of stuffing and oil just dripped out and our hands were covered. We both looked at each other horrified. At that point I couldn't have been happier that I didn't eat the stuffing.
My mom and I managed to get out of the house without the stuffing somehow. But I know there will be a phone call soon "You forgot your stuffing!" and I'll feel horrible.
But don't worry, Christmas is right around the corner. My Mom has Christmas at her house--and honestly we all prefer StoveTop...but that will never happen. There is no way my Grandma would ever let us eat boxed stuffing. (Isn't StoveTop soo good though??). So on Christmas Day my Grandma will come in with a giant pan covered in towels because the heart attack in a pan is still warm and we'll all stare at it and wonder just like every other year, what we're going to do with all of the stuffing.
Believe me, I'm thankful for everything and I know some people don't have food at all. But please don't let me eat the stuffing. Mom is the first victim, she called to let me know the stuffing has given her a mad case of indigestion. Myself on the other hand is feeling pretty good. The only rock sitting in my stomach is the overwhelming guilt of lying about the stuffing. Lying, indigestion, stuffing...everything you need for a good Thanksgiving.
happy turkey day!
